8 Weeks

 I can't believe it has been 8 weeks since Zach died.  As the first week approached I sat up in my bed counting down the minutes till my brother had died the week before.  I played it all out in my head.  I absolutely didn't want it to have been a week since he was gone.  And now, here, 8 weeks have passed and I'm just not ready.  Not ready for 8 weeks, not ready for his birthday, not ready for Christmas, not ready for the year anniversary.  I'm still not ready.  

Sometimes it hurts so much to listen to music, especially Christian music or Christmas music, that I will listen only to classical music.  

 A few weeks ago I cleaned up my brother's room.  The details aren't important, but I found myself smiling at his DVD collection...I didn't realize how much we liked the same movies.  So many emotions overwhelmed me while I worked away in his room.  But I am so glad I got the opportunity to feel close to him again.

My brother and I weren't big huggers....but I recall a particular hug that meant the world to me.  He came over to my apartment in Austin after we found out our baby had died (story HERE).  There he put his arms around me and I just melted into a puddle of tears.  He just knew I needed to be held.  I will never forget that.

 He was always so kind to me, even when I was a bratty big sister.  He always wanted to get things for me from wherever he was...and I was never as kind.  

We had a running joke about Charlie Hough and Mr. Woodenhead.  Jokes NO ONE else, other than my parents, will ever understand or find funny.  

I'm so glad I dug through more of my pictures...I finally found one of him and B!!  I know there are more, but this is all I can find.  

Zach was so loving to my kids...and I miss that so much.  My boys miss him so much.  

 8 Weeks...

MARCH 2016 Round Up

 Well...here we are in May.  And I'm just now posting for March.  Don't really care, I'm just happy to be blogging at all. ;)

The little three had open house in early March....what was up with their faces?!!

I think Owen had the best weather poster!!  His is the one on top of the cabinet.

B made a great pizza.  And I loved reading her poetry.

Finn made a seriously cute bird!  

I subbed the next day...and trust me I REALLY enjoyed ending my day with this delicious Slurpee!!  Mmmmm!

That Saturday our family of six, plus Joey's mom Linda, headed to Waco.  We were going to visit The Magnolia Market!!  But first....a little pit stop!  Haha!

I posted this photo on Instagram Saturday and the next morning I found out the MM liked my photo!!!!  What, What?!!  I know full well, Chip and JoJo didn't personally like my photo...but I don't care (it still made me giddy!!).

We also stopped here...and ogled their beautiful shop (and their stunning house which happens to be right next door)!!

We had family pictures planned for the week of Spring Break...so of course I found some inspiration photos first.

The final product....

The Monday after Spring Break we had a freak weather incident blow through our area...and the little man and I, along with Lulu, hung out in the prayer closet!!  And you can't quite tell from this pic but Owen was home sick and under him is a trash can.  Bleh!

Finley's teacher is hilarious!!   Here is just one of his amazing suits!!

I found this saying and A to the MEN!  I have all these ideas for my house and when I'm away I can't wait to get home to work...but then I'm home and my brain goes to mush!

Owen was finally baptized!!  It was a great morning and we were so glad our families got to join in the celebration!

{Pastor Kevin showing Owen what was gonna happen in the "dunk tank"!!}

 I was able to get some time in on B's room!  Finally...curtains hung (badly I might add), gallery wall up and beds made!!  I'll show more pics later.

I finally decorated above my cabinets and I LOOOOOOVE them!  I've NEVER loved what I've decorated with above my kitchen cabinets.  Well, it finally happened and I'm thrilled!

Easter came and went!!  (My momma was being funny!!)  Owen was asleep on the couch and didn't get to participate in the egg hunt.  Yes, you are seeing Halloween buckets....because basically this momma stinks.  :(  I thought we had their Easter pails...we didn't...we used substitutes.  

Lulu passed away this week...you can read more about that HERE. 

I decorated another area in my kitchen...and again, I love it!!  An old window and a Magnolia Market wreath were the perfect fit!

I got to drive these crazies around...Joel and Will are Aidan's best friend's from church.  They could not take a serious pic to save their lives!!!

We went to Owen's friends birthday party at Putt Putt.  Here is little man thinking he's all that!! Ha!

And to finish out the month we continued working at our client's house....this is our contractor Jay tackling some ridiculously strong custom shelves!! 

March was good.  Busy.  Fun.  April SUCKED.  In fact it was down right shi#y....so I'm not to anxious to blog about it.  

To end on a positive note....only a month left of school!!  I know my kids are ready.  

Me?  Not so much. ;)

The Worst Day of My Life

Two weeks ago today, April 4th, my brother was killed in a car crash.....

In my mind I had a beautiful post all ready, I just needed to type it out.  But each time I come to sit and type I end up deleting what I've written.

I sit here typing looking at the beautiful yellow roses my sweet church sent to Zach's service.  And just now...of course...Amazing Grace/My Chains Are Gone begins to play on my Pandora station.  It was playing at Zach's service.  As it was sung my 14 year old, 6'1", 250lb son and my 10 year old son sobbed on my shoulders.

I'm struggling most with how my brother died.  I always wondered if it would be easier to get the chance to say goodbye to a dying loved one knowing they are in pain, or for them to go quickly, painlessly, but not get to say goodbye or hug them.  I know the answer now.  I would give just about anything just to go back to the previous Sunday and give him a hug....to see him hug my babies one last time.

As each day passes I am less angry at him....for leaving my parents and for leaving my children.  He loved them, and they adored him.

He was full of life, funny, witty, loud....but never liked doing things alone.  Anytime he needed to run an errand he wanted a buddy....be it my parents, my grandma or my kiddos.  

He loved and was proud of his alma mater...the University of Texas at Austin.  I was so proud of him when he graduated.  I don't think I ever told him that.  I'm not even sure the last time I told him I loved him.  And I'm haunted by that....

He and Aidan...oh, their relationship was so special.  Going to see the Texas Rangers play baseball was probably their favorite activity together.  Zach died on opening day.  But those Rangers won and we all said the win was dedicated to Zach!! 

I love this picture and the story behind it....Joey and I were picking out his Best Buy gift card this past Christmas, and while we were deciding which one to give, we both looked at each other laughing at the same joke in our heads!  We had both been thinking we should give him a "specialized" gift card...and we picked a Hanukkah one!!  I told mom to take a picture of him opening it, becuase we knew he would get a laugh out it!  

This picture is so hard for me to look at....It was taken 15 and a half hours before he died.  I am SO so GLAD we took this picture, because it is the ONLY one I got of him at my Grandma's 90th birthday party.  I cannot express how happy I am to have this memento of the three of us.  

The day after Zach died the kids wore their UT gear in his honor.  So precious.  There have been days where everyone is fine and others where one or all of us has a little breakdown...especially Aidan and Finley.  

My family was incredibly blessed to have family from all over come to Zach's memorial.  Some of our family had just been in town for my Grandma's party, and they returned to be with us during this time as well.  I can't name all the people that helped us out during this time...from running my kids around, bringing my parents food, preparing the memorial service and so much more.  It moved my parents and myself greatly to see so many people at his service...all the family, friends and church members...but especially HIS friends...some we didn't know, had never met, or barely remember from his childhood.  It definitely made my heart happy to see them. 

Zach,

I miss you.  My heart hurts so much.  I want answers and I wish I could get them from you.  I will ALWAYS love you.  You are greatly missed....

I love you little brother.
Ash

Sweet Lulu Belle...

Our little Lulu Belle passed away on Friday and I am just missing her so much.  I kept crying to Joey and said that I know it's silly to cry so hard over a dog, but I loved her and she loved me.  She was my sweet companion and I thank God for the time I had with her.