We Weep for that Which Would Have Been

That is how I am remembering the little baby we lost 6 years ago today.

I can go for weeks without thinking about my little one (and the one I lost after it), and then there can be many days in a row I think on the loss. But right now...on this day....I am especially reflective. This day 6 years ago, at 17 weeks pregnant, I found out my sweet baby was no longer living. It was one of the hardest days of my life...maybe the hardest day. Without going into every excruciating detail, the baby had Cystic Hygroma....a mass that commonly occurs in the head and neck area (a birth defect).

What should have been a routine appointment turned into a nightmare. When my doctor couldn't pick up the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler, she sent me for an ultrasound. I had an INCREDIBLE sonographer who delivered the bad news to me. He searched so hard and so long to find that little beating heart, but finally he stopped and looked at me and I knew. What was so hard was as alone and scared as I felt, I had my sweet Aidan right there with me. It was terrible. I couldn't stop crying, but he looked concerned because I was so upset, so I felt doubly awful.

Ellison, the sonographer was able to tell me what was wrong....my child had a deformity. He said that most of the women he sees lose their baby and never know why. He said I should feel lucky because I had a reason and that I could deal with the loss a little easier. At the time I didn't feel blessed to know why my sweet little baby had died. At the time I didn't feel like hearing it was all in God's plan. At the time I didn't feel like saying I was carrying around a dead baby in my tummy. As time went on I realized that it was a blessing to know why my baby died...my...baby...died. I hate those words.

It was difficult to lose my baby....it was difficult to walk around for a week with a dead baby in my tummy, waiting for my doctor to have time to do a D & C. It was difficult to endure yet another D & C because they didn't "get" all of my baby the first time. I think the later was the most difficult. But I am aware that I should have delivered my child since it was bigger than they originally thought. I know that God spared me that HORRIBLE experience....and for that I am so grateful.

If I had not gone on to have 3 more healthy children I believe I would dwell on this experience so much more...but God has truly blessed our family...with LOTS of kids. How lucky are we? Very...I have the best kids and the loss I suffered 6 years ago makes me appreciate them all the more.