Friday, July 23, 2010

You Just Don't Understand {and a haircut}

Check out my new do! I like it....the typical stacked bob, but I like it nonetheless. :) It's cooler, and it gives me the right height in the back. It looks especially good because I had them fix it...I don't have a flatiron, but usually my roll brush and curling iron can do the trick!! ;)

And now on to more serious blogging.

I am unfortunately at that point in my mothering that makes me so sad. My little O-bug is 15 weeks old and he is growing by leaps and bounds. He is healthy and already in 3-6 month clothing!! My favorite way to bond with all of my babes has been to breastfeed them. With Aidan I was only able to make it 2 weeks, with Finley I stopped around 2 months, but continued pumping minuscule amounts for 2 more months. Breslyn made it to approximately 4 months. Breastfeeding has NEVER, I repeat, NEVER been easy for me. I was in great pain with Aidan and Finn, but not with B or Owen. I have been so grateful for each and every opportunity I have had to breastfeed my little munchkins. My body works against me no matter how hard I try. I produce so little milk....what a bummer. Anyways, I am reaching "that" point again where I am quickly running out of milk....insert EXTREMELY sad face here. He begins to eat and gets super frustrated about 5 minutes into it....I keep trying, but quickly move onto the other breast. And then we eventually move to the bottle.

My well meaning but clueless hubby {and others} tell me to just quit, it's easier and quicker. However they just don't understand how difficult it is to end this emotional attachment. When I realized I could no longer provide natural nutrients for Aidan I cried for a very long time. I felt like a horrible mother, I mean isn't this supposed to be a natural process? The books don't tell you how hard it can be...sore nipples, your body working against you and not making matter how well you eat and how many glasses of water you drink. So then came Finn, and very often he would not get the best latch....OUCHIE!! I was happy to make it longer with him, but once I realized my milk was dwindling again I was an emotional wreck. Then came B...again I bfed longer and honestly didn't allow myself to think about it when the time came to stop. I knew deep down that it would be the last time I ever breastfed, and I feared I might not recover if I let myself cry when it ended. So shoving my emotions way down deep, I didn't cry once after I stopped feeding her. And now with my little surprise baby I am once again nearing that awful time in our relationship where I feel I must nourish him only with formula and it deeply saddens me. I cannot explain why, and maybe only another breastfeeding mother could, but when you end this incredible bonding time it is so difficult, completely emotionally draining.

Honestly when I was pregnant with Aidan I thought breastfeeding was G.R.O.S.S!! ;) Then that sweet little baby stared up and me and I knew that it was the only way to go. It was amazing...through all the pain, difficult nights, screaming was always worth it. So when the time comes to "give up" I struggle so much....I know I have given it my best, this time more than any other time, but it is still difficult to officially quit. I know the day will come when this will only be a memory, and I won't cry every time I give my baby a bottle...but for now, as this special time comes to a conclusion I am going to focus on my precious baby and love him through my tears.

Thank you Lord for the wonderful time I have had to feed each of my children....they are precious in your sight.

1 comment:

  1. I understand this completely. With my first baby I took all the classes and waited excitedly to get to feed my little one. Nothing happened...nothing was ever produced. I also had a nurse in the baby nursery intimidate me and tell me that I was starving my baby. I gave in and let him start being fed by the bottle while still trying to breastfeed...after the 8th day and nothing coming in I went to the dr they prescribed pills nothing worked. I cried alot made myself sick and stressed endlessly. 2nd baby I planned not to breastfeed at all. But he got put in the NICU and the neonatologist requested I try to pump...well 3days after he was born low and behold I got milk....more an more each day. He was taken off feeding tubes then allowed to actually go on the breast...I doubted he would..but he latched and I was so excited. I was able to breastfeed my baby. After he hit the 2 month mark my milk started drastically dwindling and turned out it was my thyroid it dried up eventually but not before I spent every feeding crying and panicing just wanting to be able to feed my baby so bad....I know exactly how you feel. You are not alone...I am so sorry I wrote a book I am just getting to catch up on blogs as my almost 3 month old finally is in a sleeping pattern.