The Worst Day of My Life

Two weeks ago today, April 4th, my brother was killed in a car crash.....

In my mind I had a beautiful post all ready, I just needed to type it out.  But each time I come to sit and type I end up deleting what I've written.

I sit here typing looking at the beautiful yellow roses my sweet church sent to Zach's service.  And just now...of course...Amazing Grace/My Chains Are Gone begins to play on my Pandora station.  It was playing at Zach's service.  As it was sung my 14 year old, 6'1", 250lb son and my 10 year old son sobbed on my shoulders.

I'm struggling most with how my brother died.  I always wondered if it would be easier to get the chance to say goodbye to a dying loved one knowing they are in pain, or for them to go quickly, painlessly, but not get to say goodbye or hug them.  I know the answer now.  I would give just about anything just to go back to the previous Sunday and give him a hug....to see him hug my babies one last time.

As each day passes I am less angry at him....for leaving my parents and for leaving my children.  He loved them, and they adored him.

He was full of life, funny, witty, loud....but never liked doing things alone.  Anytime he needed to run an errand he wanted a buddy....be it my parents, my grandma or my kiddos.  

He loved and was proud of his alma mater...the University of Texas at Austin.  I was so proud of him when he graduated.  I don't think I ever told him that.  I'm not even sure the last time I told him I loved him.  And I'm haunted by that....

He and Aidan...oh, their relationship was so special.  Going to see the Texas Rangers play baseball was probably their favorite activity together.  Zach died on opening day.  But those Rangers won and we all said the win was dedicated to Zach!! 

I love this picture and the story behind it....Joey and I were picking out his Best Buy gift card this past Christmas, and while we were deciding which one to give, we both looked at each other laughing at the same joke in our heads!  We had both been thinking we should give him a "specialized" gift card...and we picked a Hanukkah one!!  I told mom to take a picture of him opening it, becuase we knew he would get a laugh out it!  

This picture is so hard for me to look at....It was taken 15 and a half hours before he died.  I am SO so GLAD we took this picture, because it is the ONLY one I got of him at my Grandma's 90th birthday party.  I cannot express how happy I am to have this memento of the three of us.  

The day after Zach died the kids wore their UT gear in his honor.  So precious.  There have been days where everyone is fine and others where one or all of us has a little breakdown...especially Aidan and Finley.  

My family was incredibly blessed to have family from all over come to Zach's memorial.  Some of our family had just been in town for my Grandma's party, and they returned to be with us during this time as well.  I can't name all the people that helped us out during this time...from running my kids around, bringing my parents food, preparing the memorial service and so much more.  It moved my parents and myself greatly to see so many people at his service...all the family, friends and church members...but especially HIS friends...some we didn't know, had never met, or barely remember from his childhood.  It definitely made my heart happy to see them. 

Zach,

I miss you.  My heart hurts so much.  I want answers and I wish I could get them from you.  I will ALWAYS love you.  You are greatly missed....

I love you little brother.
Ash