Looking back 10 years ago, 3 years ago, 9 months ago I would never have considered myself a missionary. I said I would never, could never be a missionary. Whether I was scared of leaving my extended family, or afraid of failure, embarrassed of my relationship with Christ...all those reasons and more are why I would never be able to be a missionary.
However over the last 6 to 9 months I have become so close to Christ that my heart is swollen with love for Him. As uncomfortable as that sounds it is quite the opposite!! A few months ago I realized I was holding in some great disappointment and anger from my past...but what I didn't know until recently was that God cannot forgive us until we have forgiven others.
Matthew 6:14-15 (NIV)
14 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
So I was able to forgive the past and I felt such a freedom, a peace and a movement in my heart that I never expected!! For years I had felt apart from God...from May 2005 till early this year I felt God had left my side. I cried out for Him on so many occasions. I screamed, pleaded and begged for His return. He didn't...He couldn't....because He was ALREADY there!! I just had a wall built up that kept me from seeing and feeling Him.
I began to talk to God with a renewed sense of healing and excitement...and with a body full of FAITH and without a doubt that Christ would answer me, hold me, heal me, reach me and love me.
James 1:6-8 (NIV)
6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
But back to the future (teehee)....I am a missionary. Right now I am not in Haiti or New Orleans teaching the Gospel. I am not in downtown Fort Worth standing on a bench, beating my hand on my Bible and yelling in peoples faces. But I am a missionary to those people I come in contact with every day...my children, my friends, my neighbors. I feel so blessed to be able to encourage those people daily.
If we desire to be followers of Jesus today, we must acknowledge that he is sending us out as well. He is saying the same things to us: we are to heal the sick and proclaim the kingdom of God.
Charles Stanley, Practicing Basic Spiritual Disciplines