October 31st, 2004...9 Years Later

9 years ago I had my second pregnancy loss.  I don't speak much about this one, because it doesn't mean much to anyone else but me.  I am not saying that to be callus, or mean....it's just that we don't speak of it.

I don't believe I've ever recorded on my blog what happened 9 years ago...so I thought I would do a short version for a keepsake.

After our first loss we were ready to try again.  My doctor told me that as soon as I found out I was pregnant to come in for testing.  We found out we were pregnant the last week of October.  I don't really think I was worried about having another loss, I felt that we would be just fine.  I went in to draw blood.  The next day my OBGYN nurse called to say I needed to get on Progesterone and come in again that week to make sure my "levels" were rising.

I just knew we would be fine.  I knew it would be ok.

That Friday my actual doctor called to tell me I would be miscarrying.  She didn't know when, but this baby was not going to make it.  I was heartbroken to say the very very least.  I hoped she was wrong.  I prayed she was wrong.

When Joey got home from work, I just had to go and be by myself.  I drove around our little area in Austin, just staring out my windshield.

I stopped at Sonic, grabbed dinner, and parked in the back to eat.  I felt so alone and so sad.  I just cried and cried feeling helpless.  That was my true feeling that night...helpless.

That Sunday, October 31st, at 3 in the morning, I lost the baby.  Not to be too detailed, but it was difficult flushing what was my baby, down the toilet.  I just stood there thinking that THIS.WAS.NOT.HAPPENING.  But it was.

Every year there is celebrating and dressing up and the excitement of Halloween is obvious....but for me, amidst all of the happiness, is a small bit of sadness and remembrance of what this day represents for our family.

And it makes me LOVE my children all the more.